It has been a long time since I have updated, but I think of you all daily and I am so thankful for the support and kindness I found here. When I decided to get healthy about a year and a half ago, I had to leave xanga and try as hard as I could to not think of food or weight at all. It was easier to stop purging and restricting than it was to cut myself off from this community. I am a senior in college now majoring in Communication & Cultural Studies, and after a long internal wrestling match, I decided to do my senior research project on ED related blogging communities.
I am focusing on how these can become third spaces for identity negotiation, and how rituals like posting intake and thinspo are stylized resistance.
So if anyyyyone would be willing to let me analyze your blog as a part of my research, please let me know. Your anonymity will be protected, of course, and I would be more than happy to let you look over my work to get your okay before it is finalized. Or, if anyone is interested\curious about the project, I would love to chat about it or answer questions. Just send me a message.
Lots of love <3
Today I made some mini pumpkin bran muffins and brought them to work. I ate three of those, a small bit of soup, and several cups of coffee with almond milk. I would say my total intake was around 4 or 500.
I also went grocery shopping today, and bought a french press! It makes the best coffee I have had in a dorm room. Seriously, if you are a coffee drinker, I recommend buying one. It was only twenty dollars and it makes very smooth coffee with low acidity in only five minutes. I am obsessed. I also bought some grapefruits, avocados, greek yogurts, pomegranates, and more almond milk. Oh and a cinnamon pecan candle!
I think in the morning I will weigh myself. My scale is underneath my bed and has been collecting dust all semester... But this past weekend at my parents house I weighed myself on their rickety old scale after a bath and it said one hundred pounds. I would like to see what my electronic scale says. Usually, the old scale gives a larger number. So it would be wonderful if my scale gave me a reading in the double digits! We will see. If not, I think I will aim for 95 pounds by the end of the semester. That only gives me two weeks!
I wish I had the time or energy to exercise more. Especially on adderall, physical activities just make me dizzy... I walk an awful lot and run around at work, but I miss setting apart time to exercise and the feeling that comes with seeing results. I did a little yoga this morning and realized how stiff my body has gotten. I think I will try to do at least ten minutes of yoga in the mornings this week. A small effort, but an effort nonetheless.
To return or not to return? It’s funny, all the time I spent meticulously recording every bite and movement, all the emotion I channeled into the scale for so long... And I really never lost very much weight. At least, not much compared to how much I think I've lost since I quit thinking about it all the time. I think that is the medication I take now though. But I have always been small. I think I weigh around one hundred and five pounds currently, and I am about five feet and four inches. I have been taking amphetamine salts for my ADHD since this past summer, right around the time I gave all this up. It was mostly because at first I didn't need to think about not eating, it came naturally. And this has always been a device for exercising control before a device to lose weight. I don't mind my weight. I actually get a little down when people tell me to go eat or that I am too thin. I feel like this is how I am, and that obsessing over what passes through me is just a habit I gravitate toward, sometimes one that grounds me. Often one that removes me from people, which is something I cannot really afford right now. My schizoid personality disorder has been escalating in severity. Rather, surfacing. The psychologist detected it about six months ago. I was twenty. They say it develops in the early twenties. So, it has been hard not to tie my eccentricities to that.
Anyways, something compelled me to sign into this. It was nice to see you girls that still keep up with your sites. I am insatiably curious as to why we are all here in the first place. I mean, I think this is the only safe place for us to empathize with others and talk honestly. But often I feel like there is a silent thread running through all of us, that connects us no matter how different our surface reasons for being here are. You know? Someday I would like to do some kind of ethnography on an online community like this, but I would never want to betray the members’ integrity. Just thoughts.
My eating habits go back and forth. Today I ate too much. I have been home for Thanksgiving in a big empty house while my family members are all over the globe, so there has been a lot of wallowing and fudge eating. Mehr.
But often days I forget to eat.
I just want to write them all down and control things, so maybe I am back.
But I will never fucking purge again, I swear. I am never going back to that place. Never.
not shutting this one down, because i want to remember. not sure if i'll update it much any more. it's time to move away from my bad thoughts. or something.
it's just time for something new.
i'd love to keep in touch if any of you'd like to add me. my new xanga will be more from the real me, less thinspo and intake.. probably more fashion/ foodie/ health/ art stuffs. and ramblings about my life. i just wanted a blog for me.
for my body
getting better thank god-- went to pilates and it loosened up my stiff acheyness from coughing and congestion. ate fish and zucchini for dinner and drove to a's house for a get together. was craving a latte so got j to go with me to get one. he is my very best guy friend. spending time with him is so calming. when we got back to a's a lot of people hadn't seen me since i chopped all my hair off into a pixie. these girls were talking about how if they were 'as skinny as me' they'd do it to.... i was right there playing a game on j's phone. i didn't know what to say? i just didn't respond.
i do want to get smaller but not too worried about scale numbers since pilates is toning my muscles which may show as gain. as long as i look good, i'm happy. may start measuring though.
and no more purging. i don't want to get sick again and i really don't want fucking throat cancer or an esophagus tear. i will be the healthy and beautiful and perfect k that i can be and will not destruct myself any more. i will eat lovely things and exercise my magnificent will power and affinity for health.
plan for the week will be pretty much the same as how last week went before i got sick-
pilates class at 9.30 every day (this is really easy to stick to bc i have to reserve a spot in the classes the day before)
one hour jog after
eating- fruit before pilates, small meal before work, healthy dinner with parents after work. this works for me and i don't worry about counting the calories. mother and i are making more edamame salsa tomorrow. so so good and only like 100 calories for an entire cup.